The 2025 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards
[The 2025 MLB Turtle-Wax Awards]
These are the awards you DON'T want to win.The "AL Central Needs to Disband" Award
Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
[Previous winners: AL Central 2009, 2011, 2012, 2016, 2018, 2019, 2022, 2023; AL West 2010, 2013, 2024; NL East 2014, 2015, 2017, 2021]
---The American League Central: Guardians, Royals, Tigers, Twins, White Sox---
Exciting fight to the finish for the division crown? Yes, but only because of ineptitude.
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The "What the Hell Happened to You?" Award
Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were supposed to be contenders
[Previous winners: New York Mets 2009, 2017, 2023; Seattle Mariners 2010, 2015; Cincinnati Reds 2011; Miami Marlins 2012, Los Angeles Angels 2013, 2021; Milwaukee Brewers 2014; Kansas City Royals 2016; Washington Nationals 2018; Boston Red Sox 2019; San Francisco Giants 2022, Texas Rangers 2024]
---The Detroit Tigers---
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The "Shut Your Damn Mouth" Award
Awarded to whoever talked too much without backing it up
[Previous winners: Chicago Cubs 2009; MLB Network 2010; Carlos Zambrano (CHC) 2011; Boston Red Sox 2012, 2015; Jordany Valdespin (NYM) 2013; Keith Olberman (ESPN) 2014; Boston Red Sox fans 2016; Yasiel Puig (LAD) 2017; San Francisco Giants 2018; Brodie Van Wagenen (NYM) 2019; Houston Astros 2020; New York Mets 2021; Tim Anderson (CWS) 2022-2023; John Fisher (OAK) 2024]
---The New York Mets---
This is almost a yearly tradition with the Mets. They enter the season touting themselves as the better NY team and ready to finally stand over the big brother Yankees, which was wild this year since the Yankees had just won a pennant and looked as capable as they did last year. The big talking point from Flushing was that the Mets had signed Juan Soto away from the Bronx and that would be the key factor to this success while the Yankees would *clearly* be lacking as a result.
Without Soto protecting him in the lineup, Aaron Judge still bashed over 50 Home Runs and the Yankees still made the playoffs. The Mets meanwhile started good, but soon hit a tailspin that they couldn't pull out of in time even with Soto putting up Soto numbers. They collapsed down the stretch and found themselves just barely on the outside looking in when all the playoff spots were handed out. All that talk and all that hype, and the Mets still failed. Look away, Mets fans! Look away, indeed.
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The "This Years Miracle, Next Years Rangers" Award
Awarded to the team that made a surprise playoff run this year, and will fall short next year
[Previous winners: Colorado Rockies 2009; Tampa Bay Rays 2010, 2011, 2022; Baltimore Orioles 2012; Cleveland Indians 2013, 2016; Kansas City Royals 2014; Houston Astros 2015, 2023; Minnesota Twins 2017; Oakland Athletics 2018; St Louis Cardinals 2019; San Francisco Giants 2021, Detroit Tigers 2024]
---The Boston Red Sox---
The Red Sox traded away a certain key player on their team and were expected to fade away, but instead managed to rally themselves to a respectable finish that saw them land a Wild Card spot. The AL didn't seem too competitive outside the Mariners, Yankees and Blue Jays. The other 2 playoff spots were a terrible Tigers team that clung to their hot start and the AL Central champion Guardians (again, *someone* had to win that division). Next year, the lack of Devers will hurt Boston's chances.
I considered the Reds for this award, but their "miracle" mas more attributed to the collapse of the Mets.
I considered the Reds for this award, but their "miracle" mas more attributed to the collapse of the Mets.
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The "AAA Team In Disguise" Award
Awarded to a team that might have better luck in AAA
[Previous winners: Washington Nationals 2009; Pittsburgh Pirates 2010, 2020, 2021; Boston Red Sox 2011; Houston Astros 2012; Miami Marlins 2013, 2018; Texas Rangers 2014; Philadelphia Phillies 2015; Minnesota Twins 2016; Detroit Tigers 2017, 2019; Oakland Athletics 2022, 2023; Chicago White Sox 2024]
---The Tampa Bay Rays---
As for the season, the Rays played like they belonged in that minor league field, submitting a sub .500 record and being powerless to stop even the slumping Toronto Blue Jays in the home stretch. Those hoping I was going to make fun of the [Homeless] Athletics, fear not, for they have another two years in their own minor league park and they don't look like they'll be competing at all in that time.
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The "Dull Knife in the Drawer" Award
Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
[Previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama, 2011 Brian Sabean (SF), 2012 Derek Norris (OAK), 2013 Mark Pagnozzi (HOU), 2014 Michael Pineda (NYY), 2015 Arte Moreno (LAA), 2016 Buster Posey (SFG), David Price (BOS), 2018 Gary Sanchez (NYY), 2019 Brandon Drury/Teoscar Hernandez (TOR), 2020 Jo Adell (LAA), 2021 Pittsburgh Pirates, 2022 Detroit Tigers, 2023 Boston Red Sox, 2024 Lenyn Sosa (CWS)]
---Eli White of the Atlanta Braves---
So you have White on 2nd base, 1 out, down 2-1 in the bottom of the 9th. The batter at the plate lines a sharp single to centerfield and White was off to 3rd base to put the typing run 90 feet away with 2 outs to play with...except White decided when he reaches 3rd base that he needs to sprint back to 2nd base. The 3rd Base Coach was giving him the red light, but White interpreted that as "run back!" and by the time he returned to 2nd base, the Padres fielder was waiting with the ball to tag him out. Braves lose 2-1. This legit reminds me of when I'm playing a video game and accidently hit the wrong button and had the incorrect runner to advance/retreat, creating a frustrating out. But this isn't a video game, Eli White, this is real life.
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The "Results May Vary" Award
Awarded to a player/team that didn't live up to the hype
[Previous winners: 2010 Stephen Strasburg (WAS), 2011 Carl Crawford (BOS), 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers, 2013 Toronto Blue Jays, 2014 Boston Red Sox, 2015 Robinson Cano (SEA), 2016 San Diego Padres, 2017 Eric Thames (MIL), 2018 Shohei Ohtani (LAA), 2019 Bryce Harper (PHI), 2020 Mike Trout (LAA), 2021 Pitchers, 2022 Los Angeles Angels, 2023 Los Angeles Angels, 2024 Yoshinobu Yamomoto]
---Raphael Devers of the San Francisco Giants---
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The "Go Stand in the Corner!" Award
Awarded to the most standout suspension of the season
[Previous winners: 2013 Ryan Braun (MIL), 2014 Alex Rodriguez (NYY), 2015 Jonathan Papelbon (WAS), 2016 Rougned Odor (TEX), 2017 Austin Romine (NYY), 2018 Ken Giles (HOU), 2019 Clint Fraizer (NYY), 2020 Joe Kelly (LAD), 2021 Coronavirus, 2022 Myles Straw (CLE), 2023 Domingo German (NYY), 2024 Shohei Ohtani (LAD)]
---Cesar Salazar of the Houston Astros---
Crime: Trying to stop his pitcher before he allowed a grand slam
Time: A cross-up fastball to the chest
Yankees v Astros have been very high profile matchups for much of the last decade, which means even meaningless regular season games come with added stress. With Framber Valdez pitching for Houston, Salazar needed to help him navigate the Yankees lineup without giving up too much damage. With Trent Grisham batting in a bases loaded situation, Valdez was set to pitch, when Salazar decided that the pitch they agreed to wasn't such a good idea and he tried to wave his pitcher to step off so they could regroup for a better pitch. Valdez didn't care and threw his pitch...which Grisham blasted into the next zip code, scoring 4 runs and turning a close 2-0 game into a 6-0 Yankees blowout.
Valdez now looked like a fool, especially right after his Catcher so publicly tried to prevent that disaster. Feeling annoyed, and knowing he'd be ejected and fined into next year if he blatantly threw at the next Yankee hitter, he decided to take his frustrations out on Salazar. He crossed-up his Catcher, leaving him wide open to a fastball to the chest. The body language says it all as Valdez nonchalantly walks away while Salazar just glares at him.
Afterwards, Salazar tries to cover for it by saying the Yankees fans (the game was in Houston, by the way) cheering caused miscommunication for the next pitch...but that lie falls flat when everyone was using pitchcom.
Valdez now looked like a fool, especially right after his Catcher so publicly tried to prevent that disaster. Feeling annoyed, and knowing he'd be ejected and fined into next year if he blatantly threw at the next Yankee hitter, he decided to take his frustrations out on Salazar. He crossed-up his Catcher, leaving him wide open to a fastball to the chest. The body language says it all as Valdez nonchalantly walks away while Salazar just glares at him.
Afterwards, Salazar tries to cover for it by saying the Yankees fans (the game was in Houston, by the way) cheering caused miscommunication for the next pitch...but that lie falls flat when everyone was using pitchcom.
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The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), 2016 Alex Rodriguez (FA), 2017 Bartolo Colon (MIN), 2018 Felix Hernandez (SEA), 2019 Chris Davis (BAL), 2021 Justin Verlander (HOU), 2022 Nelson Cruz (WAS), 2023 Angel Hernandez, 2024 Justin Verlander (HOU)]
---Kris Bryant of the Colorado Rockies---
The "Just Retire Already!" Award
Awarded to the player on the wrong side of their prime
[Previous winner: 2015 Bartolo Colon (NYM), 2016 Alex Rodriguez (FA), 2017 Bartolo Colon (MIN), 2018 Felix Hernandez (SEA), 2019 Chris Davis (BAL), 2021 Justin Verlander (HOU), 2022 Nelson Cruz (WAS), 2023 Angel Hernandez, 2024 Justin Verlander (HOU)]
---Kris Bryant of the Colorado Rockies---
Hey remember Kris Bryant? Rookie of the Year and MVP along with numerous all star games all make up his resume, not to mention that historic drought ending title he helped the Cubs to win...well in 2022 he signed a 7 year contract with the Rockies and then we never heard from him again. Injury plagued year after injury plagued year followed as he has logged more days in the DL than the starting lineup. At 34 and no sign of his constant injuries going away, perhaps he needs to call it a career and go home with all that money he pretty much stole from the hapless Rockies...or instead of going home, he should just stay home since that is where he usually is when the Rockies are playing baseball.
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The "Milwaukee L Flag" Award
Awarded to the most brainless postseason moment
Awarded to the most brainless postseason moment
---The Milwaukee Brewers---
I had no intention of making a new award for this year, but the Brewers inspired me when they did the most braindead decision I have ever seen. For context, the just pulled off a win-or-go-home NLDS Game 5 victory over their division rivals, the Chicago Cubs. When the Cubs win home games, they fly a "W" flag to celebrate. When the Brewers beat them to advance to the NLCS, they decided to troll the Cubs by unveiling an "L" flag. Now, I'm not the most superstitious fan, but WHY? Why on God's green earth would you think it's a good idea to take a team photo with a giant L flag behind you? And it's not like the Brewers have a long and proud tradition of winning to troll with. They're a far cry from the Yankees 27 titles. They don't have the 3 the Cubs have, either. They have 0. ZERO! 28 years in both leagues and just 1 pennant to show for it, and they think it's a good idea to take a photo with an L behind them in the middle of the playoffs?
And not for nothing, but they immediately got swept out of the NLCS. They flew the L flag and never won again. This is the stuff that curses are made of. This is going to live in your teams head for years! Curse of the Babe. Curse of the Billy Goat. Curse of Billy Penn. All of them can move over, because the Curse of the L Flag has arrived.
Hold your heads in shame, Brewers, I created an award just for how stupid you are.
